This is a story about how one self-portrait became a token of my rising from the ashes.
What can we tell once we see a photo?
Is this photo good?
Or is it bad?
Does the person seem nice? Is she/he/they happy or sad? Is their hair brushed and clean?
Is this person… the real me?
I remember the period of time that accompanied creating this photograph of me. This self-portrait. To say I was low is to use a euphemism. The second year of the pandemic hit us all. On soo many different levels…
I wanted a new Facebook profile picture. The old one still looked like me but didn’t FEEL like me. If you know what I mean. If you don’t, I can tell you that I was goofy and smiling there, and in that dark period of 2021, smiling and goofing was the last thing that I wanted to do. Even though, the Universe knows how much we all needed all of that…
Show, don’t tell…
Sometimes you don’t find enough words to tell the world how you’re feeling but you can SHOW it and MARK your presence that way.
So I set up all my gear and I sit. I allowed myself to trial and error. I hold myself a space. And after a while, during the dark November evening, my camera recorded this, and I finally felt seen…
It was shortly after taking it, I decided it was high time to get HELP. That I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel joy and I want to laugh. I want to have fun and I want to see all the beauty of this world!
I’ve seen a psychiatrist, and I started to take meds.
And things started shifting.
For better.
And so did shift this self-portrait.
When I see it now, it is not about my sadness anymore.
I see a woman who fought for herself. Knocked on the doors and made calls. Went into psychotherapy that was held not in her native language and was able to be open about her darkest darks and the scariest fears.
I see a strong woman who very slowly made her way back to the surface. The surface where she can write these words to you.
This photo is a token of my courage and my strength.
This photo is a small monument of my self-love and that I am finally in a better place with myself. Let’s cheers to that 🙂
